Canadian Flag

Shhh. I am going to tell you a little secret. When the S hits the F and things get too hairy in the lower 48 a few hearty souls are planning to make their pilgrimage to the wide open wilderness of the North and start a new life amongst the pine trees and timberwolves. Maybe build a cabin out of logs, sell maple syrup to the neighbors, and enjoy their sunset years in quiet contemplation over a warm fire as the rest of the world burns.

The problem is that literally everyone has that plan. It’s a lot like the folks who think they will go hunting for protein when the grocery stores shut down, only to realize there are no animals left because all the other hunters have the exact same idea. Judging by the number of times I have heard the half-baked claims, I am extrapolating there are hundreds of thousands if not millions of people signing themselves up for a very tragic disappointment.

What they will find in the frozen north is a landscape under increasing pressure from climate change with permafrost turning to mud, mosquitoes spreading new diseases, and roadless wastes that one would find difficult to manage with the survival skills of an Indian. But it serves as a nice backstop to a terrifying thought process that might lead them to make changes in their own lives now, so let us all take our hats off for a moment for the piles of bloody emaciated carcasses that will be littering the Northbound roads and trails as the escape route of last resort starts to resemble the lines at Disneyland.

However there is a ray of hope today for our modern would-be conquistador neighbors. Justin Trudeau swung his custodial nanny hammer and rang the bell of surrender for Canadian freedom today with a ban of assault-style weapons. Now U.S. gun control advocates have another law to point at and shout how we are not keeping up with the Joneses, while gun rights advocates have another case study of policy failure that the media will ignore in favor of “just do something” panic-infused hypberbolism.

But the good news is the Canadian wilderness will be much less defensible going forward, so the invaders will not have to worry as much about in regards to homegrown resistance (compared to the firepower of their own fellow pilgrims). Not to say that booby traps, starvation, and exposure do not make effective deterrents. Guaranteed that a good amount of the northbound McPachyderms will not make it too far past their own county lines without collapsing from fast-food related heart issues, never mind a grueling trek through goblin infested bear country.

But at least we can quick-change a mag and get the drop on a Canuck tube feeding his 30/30. Thanks Canadian liberals!

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