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How To Guide by (2014-10-12)

Training - Survival Chicken's Nerf Conquest of Planet Evil

Are you really ready for every scenario?

So you got your bullets, beans, and band-aids. The bug out bag is packed and ready, secondary locations are lined up, and everything down to the tire pressure on your get-out-of-Dodge vehicle of choice is perfect.


You are now among the prepared elite. Not many people make it this far, but even if a fraction of the above mentioned list is squared away you are already light years ahead of the masses. As they crawl over the top of each other for the last bottle of water at Wal-Mart you will be hunkered down and ready to move on a moment's notice or well on your way to a safer location.


But did you actually test out your stuff?


When it comes to buying things Americans are experts. We spend all day looking for the best deals online, consult our friends who have experience, and keep tabs on the latest and greatest whiz-bang gadgetry available. Unfortunately mountains are hard to climb, bags full of gear are heavy, defenses are useless outside of secure perimeters, and not racking the slide hard enough on shotguns makes them go “click” instead of boom.

As my science teacher used to say “The only solution to pollution is dilution.” I'm not sure how that's relevant but I'll try to shoehorn it into the point we're trying to make here anyway.

Basically you have to start off with the assumption that you suck and everything you try to accomplish will break down and fail at some point. The only way to get rid of the inherent “suck and fail” inside your best laid plans is to pump enough training into your routine to make the layers of filth rise to the surface, where you can easily scrape them off into a storm drain and watch them flow away to go kill fish somewhere else.

That means taking your futuristic wonder-tent somewhere with uneven soaking ground, or setting up your cozy camping hammock at a location with no trees. That's a nice rifle you got there, but how are you going to get across town without attracting all the wrong kinds of attention? Water filters are great, but how much do they help you on a side of a mountain during dry season or next to a pond full of chemical fertilizers, toxic algae and fracking sauce?

Testing out your gear, knowledge, and endurance should be a regular undertaking so you don't end up as the best-prepared set of bleached bones making cool swirly patterns in the wind-blown dust.

Sure we took a couple liberties with our recent training video, but it's because we wanted to show you that sometimes vampires come out on sunny days, sharks go running around in the woods, and when you're out of ammo all you can do is punch that old Reaper square in the jaw and hope for the best. Realistically speaking all those monsters would have had me plucked and roasting on a spit before the kick-ass soundtrack even started, but I was out there practicing anyway. Why?

Because it was FUN!!!

Busting out of your routine and diluting the “suck and fail” out of your system is a learning process, but instead of your science teacher who let you set things on fire and slice up dead animals in class it's YOU who has to figure out a way to keep yourself engaged in absorbing hard facts about chemical reactions and biology. Survivalists and preppers are inherently paranoid, but that's because it's FUN to be right every once in a while when everyone else is so very wrong. Sure we have our silly moments like the Millennium Bug (which was a great camping trip, btw) but when the Snowden leaks came out showing everyone that the spooks had been reading our emails and watching us through our phone cameras it was high-fives all around. What's that, Sheep? I can't hear you over all the status quo mainstream “ba-a-a-aloney” coming out of your mouth.

Figure out a way of channeling that giddy excitement into your training, and you will be well on your way to turning God's laughter at your best-made plans into a grimace and raised eyebrow of tentative approval.

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