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How To Guide by (2015-05-14)

Crocs

It was a sad day at the local City Mill today. I was heading over to get some 10-2ag to rewire an outlet and get a little more juice to the compressor when the weekly ads near the door piqued my interest. Crocks 40% off! Well that's a no-brainer. Heading over to the Croc wall with fingers crossed hoping that they had the coveted Realtree Camo version in stock, a sudden sense of horror gripped me upon seeing on only ONE PAIR! Whaaaaat?

The Last Pair
The Last Pair

Curse You Theives!

It turns out that too many people stole them, putting them on in the store and walking out without anyone noticing. Instead of implementing some kind of extra security, City Mill had enough and decided to cut the entire product line.

 

Ugly As Sin, Just As Tempting

Now some of you may wonder what's the big deal with these ugly-ass shoes. Let's be clear about something: This isn't a guilty pleasure. I actually enjoy the fact that people think my footwear is ugly. You know what's ugly to me? Slave-labor sneakers priced at top dollar sold to clueless hip hop kids who shoot each other for “smudging a Puma”.

 

Last Laugh Factor

Unlike the highly-disposable offerings from other name brand companies (and the cheap knock-offs that wreck your feet), Crocs are ugly from the start and can last indefinitely. When the treads wear out you just take a soldering iron and cut some more. If they don't fit right then wrap them in a pillow case and throw them in the dryer, put on a couple pairs of thick wool socks, and when they get hot enough to become pliable put them on and wait until they cool down.

 

The Down And Dirty

But the best...The BEST part of Crocs is their superiority as a mud shoe for gardening and farming applications where steel-toes and ankle protection are not required. Sometimes you gotta go out and change a busted irrigation line where the mud is thick and sticky, and unlike other shoes with less flex and more aggressive tread patterns, these things kick off mud almost as well as the Panama souls on a Jungle Boot. Spray 'em off, let 'em dry in the sun for a minute or two, and you're officially cruising with dry feet again.

 

Water Mileage May Vary

As for maritime applications it's kind of a toss-up. The nice thing is they float and will come off easily so you can actually swim if you fall overboard, but some of them tend to be on the slippery side once a little water is introduced in between the sole and the foot. Obviously it's better to not go overboard at all, so the traction issue is a big one. If you use them around water while rafting, exploring, and doing other stuff then be sure to fasten the back strap securely. You might be better served with a nice set of Japanese style Tabi shoes/socks that the rock-hopping Hawaii fisherman love, or the reef shoes worn by surfers on remote trips where slicing your feet on razor sharp coral might mean a very long uncomfortable ride chasing down antibiotics before the gangrene sets in.

 

Not Going There

I'm not even going to mention Vibrams, though. Even overweight bearded guys in chicken suits have limits when it comes to fashion.

 

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